Here are the Larche family “Rules for a Happy Marriage”:
#1: Do the work. It takes work and sacrifice to make a happy marriage. Too many people put all the work into the details of the wedding but neglect to put any work into the marriage itself. A happy marriage is a growing marriage, whether you’ve been married 2 or 25 years. Are you still listening to one another? Learning from one another? When you don’t take time to cultivate a relationship, you end up taking that relationship for granted. Sadly, this is where most marriages decline.
#2: Say the words. At least once a day, say something kind or complimentary to your spouse. We all know that words have the power to heal or hurt, restore or damage, build or tear down. But what we often fail to recognize is that silence can be just as harmful as negative words. Often it’s the words we don’t say that leave our spouse feeling devalued or under-appreciated.
#3: Date your spouse. Too many couples stop dating years into their marriage, especially when the years of parenting demand more of us. Guard your Date Night with vigilance!
#4: Don’t let in-laws become outlaws! Finances, sex, and in-law issues are among the top reasons that most marriages fail. God designed you to have your own nuclear family, not live as extended branches of hierarchies. Communicate and set clear boundaries with your in-laws.
#5: Discuss the budget. Financial stress is one of the greatest contributors to weak marriages. Communicate your expectations with money. Talk stewardship principles together. What does God’s Word say about money issues? Get on the same page with your household budget, retirement portfolio, charitable giving, vacation expenses, the kids’ allowances, and college funding. Plan monthly budget conversations in a relaxed atmosphere (perhaps over a nice meal with few distractions as possible). Marriage is a financial partnership—and like any successful partnership of equals, it depends on compromise and mutual cooperation.
#6: Draw up rules of engagement. What are your rules for fighting fair? For example: “we will never bring up…”, or “we won’t argue standing up”, or “we won’t use certain trigger words that hurt”, or “we won’t generalize: ‘you always…’ or ‘you never…’.” Here’s a rule we try to live by: Don’t fight to be “right”, fight for the “win”. Too often arguments only lead to who is right and who is wrong. But conversely, they should lead to finding the best possible mutual “win” in any situation—for your marriage, your children, your finances, and your future. It’s not about who’s right (both parties tend to have right and wrong in them at the same time); the bigger picture is how your marriage and your family can find the mutual “win” in every conflict regardless of who is more right or wrong.
#7: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Stephen Covey proved to be a genius with this one. It’s one of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and I believe it’s one of the hallmarks of a great marriage. The Bible says “let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” (James 1:19-20 ESV)
#8: Resolve offenses quickly. Letting issues go unresolved is one of the greatest detriments to a happy marriage. It also gives the enemy a foothold in your marriage: “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.” (Ephesians 4:26-27 ESV) An Old Latin proverb says: “He who goes to bed angry has the devil for a bedfellow; never take your enemies to bed with you.”
#9: Don’t yell at each other… unless the house is one fire. Communicate with your mate the way you would want to be communicated with.
#10: Shred yesterday’s scorecards. The Bible tells us that pure love keeps no record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:5 NIV). When you hold on to yesterday’s scorecard you are inviting failure into your marriage. But those who consistently shred those records of being wronged are those who move forward passionately in their love journey. Nothing can conquer a marriage that keeps no record of wrongs. It’s always moving onward in grace. So tear up those scorecards and move forward. A happy marriage is waiting for you there!